How to be a Miserable Failure at eBay Selling
Want to join the army of whining semi-literates who fail to make money selling on eBay?
Great! Grab your pencil and get ready to take notes. Put these rules to work and you can start wracking up insertion fees with nothing to show for it.
Six Solid Rules for Certain eBay Failure
Start the bidding high. Preferably at more than the item is actually worth. You don't want a bunch of tire-kickers poking around your auction. All you need to do is find the one person on earth willing to pay any price you ask for your item. Bidding wars? Ppppssst! Who needs 'em. All you are after is that one big bid.
Jack up your shipping charge. Buyers don't care what you charge to get the item to them. Better yet, keep the shipping charge secret until the auction ends. Everybody loves surprises! It also lets you pad your profit if you ignored rule number one.
Use fuzzy pictures. Run to your local Wal-Mart and pick up one of those $7.88 digital cameras they sell at the checkout. You know the ones: no LCD display, no flash and it doubles as a key chain (I love multi-tasking tools!) Now go into a dim room and snap a few shots of the item you are selling. If you are really good, you can achieve a level of graininess not seen since granny gave her Philco to the Salvation Army.
EXTRA CREDIT: If you can manage to show your dirty breakfast dishes or empty beer cans in the background, all the better. People are interested!
Pretend to be an expert on the item you are selling, even if you are not quite sure what it is. Use phrases like, "a great addition to your collection," or, "SUPER RARE!" People typically know nothing about the things they bid on. Your feigned expertise is sure to instill bidding confidence.
USE ALL CAPS WHEN WRITING YOUR TITLE AND DESCRIPTION! IT MAKES YOU APPEAR ERNEST AND SOPHISTICATED. BESIDES, WHO HAS TIME FOR THE SHIFT KEY?
Devote at least twice as much space to your terms and conditions as you do to the description. Make sure them bidders know you ain't gonna cotter to any of their shenanigans. Don't forget to include a threat of some kind. People need discipline!
This post was written for the Problogger.net group writing project. Click here to check it out. A world of 'How to' awaits you.
Good luck, Genius!
The Wizard of Auctions
7 comments:
I always find it amusing how some people add a 8.00 shipping charge, when i know it will cost about a two bucks to send something...I won't even touch it.
I hate those outrageous shipping charges. I also don't like when people recycle pictures and do not take pictures of the actual item for the auction. I had a friend who recently learned of someone linking to a picture on his website for their ebay auction. He said next time they do that, they'll be in for a surprise.
Ha, this is all so true! Our how-to is up as well if you'd like to check it out!!
I dislike all those things you mentioned and shy away from sellers who do them. Great list!
Don't forget to add "Add a 'List of Rules for Buying from Me' on each description. Especially point out the consequences of: not paying on time, forgetting to leave POSITIVE feedback, etc. Make sure to be very threatening and talk about bad past experiences.
I love this post, sarcastic but valuable points. I'm going to point to it on my site at GenuineSeller.com.
You should definitely include the phrase "Non-paying bidders will receive negative feedback" in BIG RED LETTERS. Because, you know, that's really going to make em want to pay.
Loved your blog! I also hate over-padded S&H charges. If I'm interested in the item, I'll call the seller on it. Several times I've been told: "Oh, give me your zip code, and I'll tell you what you would acually be charged." Then the S&H charge drops to something reasonable. Hmmm...
Sorry, but I can't resist telling you there is a misspelled word under: Six Solid Rules for Certain eBay Failure, item 5, third line. "Ernest" is a guy's name. "Earnest" is the correct spelling.
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